Published in ‘South Bay Woman’ Magazine, Feb. 2009 issue
By: Kristin Whitelaw
Has love come to mean something about who you are – your value, worth, security, identity, capability or loveableness? Is your identity tied to whether you are loved and needed? Is your value measured by how much you are loved or by who loves you? Are ‘in love’ with the person you hope they will be, the person you thought they were, the person they once were, the person you would like to change them into or the person you need them to be? How do you know if you have healthy love in your relationship?
Years ago I developed and facilitated a program for the Riverside County School system that specifically explored characteristics of healthy and unhealthy relationships. The goal was to motivate an open and honest discussion among High School students by asking questions such as, “what is love?” The answers followed a common theme – one reflecting qualities of attachment as well as the foundation of addictive thinking rather than authentic and healthy ‘love’.
The students responded by using examples of relationships in movies, the most popular being “Pretty Woman”, “Titanic” and “Romeo and Juliet”. When I asked the females how they know if their boyfriend really loves them, their answer was, “if they want to spend all their time with me and don’t want me to see anyone else”. Jealously was considered to be a validation of love. Another common answer was “if we couldn’t live without one another” and another answer was, “he would make me feel complete”. This feeling inspired by the movie “Jerry McGuire” in which the lead male character announced to the female lead character “You complete me”. Young females swooned at these words and proceeded to seek the same from heir present or future partners. Another answer to “What is love?” was, “When we would die for one another. When we are not as important as the one we love.” When I asked the girls why they thought “Pretty Woman” represented real love, they quickly explained “he (the lead character) must have really loved her to want to change her into something better. He saved her.” When I asked them to further explain why “Romeo and Juliet” represents love they answered earnestly, “because they were willing to die if they couldn’t have the one they loved.”
This describes the romanticized version of love which is perpetuated by T.V., movies and advertising and has a major impact on how people define, experience and confirm love in their relationships. This idea of love is substantiated greatly by the intensity and drama surrounding the experience. The more heightened the emotions, desperation and need for the other person, the greater the “love” must be. The more the person ‘needs’ us the more they must love us. The more all consuming the experience, the deeper and more real the love must be. This perspective of love ignites emotional attachments that can turn into addictions to love. It stimulates the behavior of seeking outside rather than inside sources of identity, healing and fulfillment. Entering into relationships with this level of expectation creates inevitable disappointment and loss of personal identity and power.
We don’t become addicted to love, per se, we become addicted to what we believe will relieve our discomfort, fulfill our emotional needs and resolve our inner struggle. We think that if we can find someone who will ‘love’ us, we can relieve our pain, loneliness, fear, emptiness, sense of loss; we can confirm our value, fill the empty spaces, become more comfortable with ourselves and secure in our future. We become addicted to the ‘drug’ we believe will comfort our needs – that will make us feel okay about ourselves and in life. This builds an addiction to what we believe love will provide for us, and an attachment to the person we think will give it to us.
An interesting component to this is that love is often seen as a separate force that overpowers all else. It defies reason or rational thinking and is believed to have the capability of canceling out negative, harmful characteristics in a relationship. It is seen as an energy that is self-sustaining, supported by the ideal of itself rather than an experience in reality. This means that it is defined by the expectation of what it will make us feel like rather than tangible characteristics, exhibited within a relationship. When women in abusive relationships stay with the man ‘because they love him,”, they exemplify this belief that love has the ability to remove any other considerations that may speak to something different. This takes us away from the true power of love, the health and purpose of love.
In truth, love reflects that which is the expression of its energy. Simply, love is defined by characteristics such as trust, honor, communication, commitment, non-judgement and respect.
To determine if you are seeking healthy love or searching for someone to fulfill unhealthy emotional needs, here is a simple exercise: when saying the statement “he loves me,” try replacing the word “love” with one of the words listed above. For example, “he loves me” becomes “he respects me.” This helps to show if you have a relationship truly reflecting healthy love. Can you honestly replace love with loving characteristics? This helps us stay honest and aware of what we choose to experience as love and why.
The healthiest relationships are based on two whole people coming together to share in the experience of one another in life. Looking to each other, not to fulfill what only we can within ourselves, but to celebrate one another’s unique being and fulfill the reflection of that as our relationship.
Pingback: mir dikogo zapada 4 sezon 4 seriya
Pingback: web
Pingback: film.8filmov.ru
Pingback: video
Pingback: liusia-8-seriiaonlain
Pingback: smotret-polnyj-film-smotret-v-khoroshem-kachestve
Pingback: filmgoda.ru
Pingback: rodnoe-kino-ru
Pingback: confeitofilm
Pingback: stat.netstate.ru
Pingback: sY5am
Pingback: Dom drakona
Pingback: JGXldbkj
Pingback: aOuSjapt
Pingback: ìûøëåíèå
Pingback: psikholog moskva
Pingback: A片
Pingback: Usik Dzhoshua 2 2022
Pingback: pornoizle}
Pingback: Dim Drakona 2022
Pingback: TwnE4zl6
Pingback: psy 3CtwvjS
Pingback: lalochesia
Pingback: film onlinee
Pingback: programma peredach na segodnya
Pingback: psycholog-v-moskve.ru
Pingback: psycholog-moskva.ru
Pingback: 3qAIwwN
Pingback: video-2
Pingback: sezons.store
Pingback: socionika-eniostyle.ru
Pingback: psy-news.ru
Pingback: 000-1
Pingback: 3SoTS32
Pingback: 3DGofO7
Pingback: wwwi.odnoklassniki-film.ru
Pingback: rftrip.ru
Pingback: madridbet
Pingback: dolpsy.ru
Pingback: kin0shki.ru
Pingback: 3o9cpydyue4s8.ru
Pingback: mb588.ru
Pingback: history-of-ukraine.ru news ukraine
Pingback: newsukraine.ru
Pingback: edu-design.ru
Pingback: tftl.ru
Pingback: brutv
Pingback: site 2023
Pingback: grandpashabet
Pingback: sitestats01
Pingback: 1c789.ru
Pingback: cttdu.ru
Pingback: 1703
Pingback: hdserial2023.ru
Pingback: serialhd2023.ru
Pingback: matchonline2022.ru
Pingback: How do you keep a girl on her toes or cialis cost per pill?
Pingback: How do you test a guy and super kamagra reviews?
Pingback: Does quitting smoking make you tired where to buy zyban?
Pingback: bit.ly/3OEzOZR
Pingback: bit.ly/3gGFqGq
Pingback: bit.ly/3ARFdXA
Pingback: bit.ly/3ig2UT5
Pingback: bit.ly/3GQNK0J
Pingback: What is the new weight loss pill called or diet supplements that work?
Pingback: What is intimate to a man viagra over the counter united states?
Pingback: bep5w0Df
Pingback: www
Pingback: Can premature ejaculation cure itself viagra tablets for men?
Pingback: icf
Pingback: 24hours-news
Pingback: rusnewsweek
Pingback: uluro-ado
Pingback: Medicine advice for patients. aripiprazole 2 mg oral tablet?
Pingback: irannews.ru
Pingback: klondayk2022
Pingback: Meds dope leaflet. What side effects can this medication cause? what does dutasteride medication do?
Pingback: Medicament message leaflet. Make names. avodart cost uk?
Pingback: tqmFEB3B
Pingback: Pills prescribing information. Mark names. paxil tablet price in india?
Pingback: madridbet
Pingback: meritking
Pingback: sex
Pingback: Drugs information. Narcotize Class. 5 mg paxil?
Pingback: Autoapprove List
Pingback: fuvk google
Pingback: okey oyna
Pingback: fuck google
Pingback: madridbet
Pingback: super saver pharmacy
Pingback: mangalib
Pingback: ciprofloxacin mail online
Pingback: herbal ed treatment
Pingback: priligy 90mg pill
Pingback: online prescriptions without a doctor
Pingback: x
Pingback: 9xflix
Pingback: xnxx
Pingback: 123movies
Pingback: over the counter laxatives
Pingback: naproxen 500mg over the counter
Pingback: How does a woman get a child tadalafil ukraine?
Pingback: strongest over the counter pain reliever
Pingback: How do you make him feel guilty for hurting you tadalafil 20mg generico?
Pingback: Is Deming still relevant sildenafil 100mg tablets for sale?
Pingback: What triggers love in a man sildenafil citrate generic?
Pingback: Which fruit is best for sperm products that contain sildenafil citrate?
Pingback: What do men want in a woman does sildenafil 20 mg work?
Pingback: How many times should a man release sperm in a day sildenafil dosage for erectile dysfunction?
Pingback: zithromax cost australia
Pingback: Can being hard for too long cause ED sildenafil 100mg tablets for sale?
Pingback: where can i buy kamagra oral jelly
Pingback: stromectol covid
Pingback: kamagra gold 100
Pingback: order priligy for sale
Pingback: When do men fall in love generic dapoxetine 30mg
Pingback: What is the fastest way to cleanse your liver and stromectol tablets 3 mg
Pingback: Is it obvious that someone has an STD and anti parasitic medication
Pingback: Why does a man get erect in the morning without hydroxychloroquine and zinc
Pingback: Why should you drink lots of water when taking antibiotics likes plaquenil rheumatoid arthritis
Pingback: What kills bacteria for 24 hours with hydroxychloroquine generic name
Pingback: Where do sepsis spots start and plaquenil 200mg
Pingback: What are four 4 elements in Deming Cycle cenforce sale